Saturday, October 8, 2011

I Have Found A New Way to Spend Time

...sending ridiculous emails to companies. For example, here's an email I just sent to the Gatorade Corporation:

Dear Gatorade Corporation,
      First off, I want to say that I have absolutely no complaints with your product (other than the fact that I think you need to make a Rainbow Torrent flavor, but that's besides the point). I personally feel that the experience of drinking Gatorade can only be improved with a double beer hat, substituting beer with Gatorade.
  Which brings me to my question: I understand the ad campaign is long gone, but ever since I officially became a Gatorade Aficionado (at least, according to the Gatorade Fan Club: Dallas Chapter), I've studied your ads and have begun to ponder the exact amount of Gatorade consumption needed to make my sweat turn blue (blue being my favorite iteration of your refreshing beverage).
  So, how much of your delicious, satiating product do I need to drink to make my sweat turn blue? Please answer at your earliest convenience. Thank you for your time.

P.S.- My school sells Gatorade in the cafeteria. However, the cafeteria closes at 1:55pm, and the only time I can really buy a Gatorade is after school (which is at 4:00pm). I want you to know that in spite of the fact that we have a Powerade machine in the halls, I have never once betrayed you and settled for poor substitutes.

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